10 Unbold Predictions for 2014

Titcomb

1. Tyrus Raymond Cobb will play in zero games, thus hitting zero home runs and stealing zero bases.

Confidence: 10/10. Ty Cobb has been dead since 1961.

2. A player named Cannonball Titcomb VII will play in a Major League Baseball game.

Confidence: 0/10, of course. This is purely an excuse to mention Cannonball Titcomb.

3. Evan Gattis will *not* stare calmly at a pitcher until the moundsman willfully eats three whole rosin bags. He will *not* hit a baseball so hard it rids the world of all disease.

Confidence: 4/10.

4. Jose Abreu will post a slugging percentage less than the .986 mark he posted in 2010-11.

Confidence: 7/10. I think, at best, he’ll slug .984.

5. Yasiel Puig’s season will exist entirely as a series of events which are equally stupid and impressive, the sum being an incredible amount of both parts.

Confidence: 12/10. I’ll update this at season’s end with a compilation of every defensive play in which Puig prematurely dives, rolls around a lot, recovers, then speeds to the ball and puts the runner out with a throw that defies everything we currently or will ever know about the universe. The compilation will be 6,000 minutes long.

6. Somebody will get hurt.

Confidence: 10/10. Unbold.

7. Some days I will wake up and feel a bit sad, and have no idea why. It won’t be remedied by the usual fixes for this sort of thing. It won’t even be much noticeable. It will feel just as if the scope one has for happiness or sadness is pinched and I will be stuck, unaware, in a tightened middle of the two, sinking further down as the lower tension lessens and the bottom falls, and staring up at a ceiling which is curiously low.

Confidence: 10/10, because Greg Maddux is wearing a blank cap in the Hall of Fame.

8. Giancarlo Stanton will hit infinitely more home runs than Ben Revere.

Confidence: 5/10. This is about as bold as it gets.

9. Brian McCann will hit a lot more home runs than expected, and Curtis Granderson will hit a lot less.

Confidence: 9/10. I’m giving away a point here in case McCann experiences death or dismemberment before or during the season.

10. Mike Trout will win the AL MVP Award. Or Miguel Cabrera will. Or some other player who plays in the American League. It just won’t be won by anybody who plays the entire season in the National League only, or who doesn’t play baseball at all.

Confidence: 10/10. Probably.

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About Joshua Allen-Worrell

Joshua Allen-Worrell is a very part-time writer. He did not graduate from the University of Virginia with a degree in economics in 1989. He did, however, poop in a diaper that year. Josh is a fan of the Atlanta Braves and the name Zoilo Almonte. He often makes tweets as @oldseacaptain.
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One Response to 10 Unbold Predictions for 2014

  1. Pingback: 10 Occurences of the Year 2014, as Predicted by My Fiancé | Most Valuable Zobrist

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