The Cleveland Mikes Project

Cleveland Mikes

Hello, reader. Do you play iOOTP? If so, good. You’re smart, cool, and everyone you know considers you their favorite person. If not, you should, and you are none of the previously mentioned things. It’s quite a bit lighter than the desktop version, but it’s also cheaper and easier to play on the toilet.

I play iOOTP a lot. A lot. I carried the 1901 Baltimore Orioles all the way to 2013, by when no player was able to play beyond their arbitration years due to hilariously unrealistic restrictions on team finances. I won a championship with every team in the league. And now, I’ve created the Cleveland Mikes. Note, re: previously stated creation, two irrefutable things.

  1. Mike/Michael was the most popular first name in baseball as of last April, according to MLB Fan Cave.
  2. “Indians” is a dumb name, and Chief Wahoo is a dumb mascot.

So, as master and creator of my own iOOTP universe, I got rid of the Indians and (more abstractly) Chief Wahoo. I replaced them with the Mikes. The Mikes are a team on which every player shares the name Mike/Michael. By now, my active roster is set. There is still minor league personnel which requires tending to, but who cares? Do you care, reader? I certainly don’t.

I’ll spare you all of the trade details, as they are voluminous in number. Some highlights, though:

  • Acquired OF Mike Trout from LAA, in exchange for C/IF Carlos Santana, SP Trevor Bauer, IF Francisco Lindor, and IF Lonnie Chisenhall.
  • Acquired IF Michael Young from PHI, in exchange for RP Dillon Howard.
  • Acquired SP Mike Fiers, RP Mike Gonzalez, and OF Michael Reed from MIL, in exchange for IF Asdrubal Cabrera, SP Zach McAllister, and IF Jose Ramirez.
  • Acquired SP Mike Pelfrey from MIN, in exchange for SP Bryan Shaw, RP Chris Perez, and SP Corey Kluber.

Say what you will about the Mikes, but reader beware. If you say they lack gritty veteran leadership, or winning know-how, or they don’t know how to play the game the right way, you are mistaken and should be accordingly punished. The Cleveland Mikes are manned at second base by Michael Young – a man who is formally titled Veteran Leader, and whose middle name is Grit. It isn’t so much that Michael Young plays the game the right way, as Michael Young is unable by forcible law to play the game any other way, pretty much.

Also of note: Mike Trout required quite a haul, the 2013 Milwaukee Brewers employed a lot of Mikes, and both iOOTP and the virtual Minnesota Twins existing therein underrate Corey Kluber to a certainly criminal degree. In that regard, iOOTP and the virtual Minnesota Twins existing therein are not unlike us real, non-virtual people.

The full depth chart and pitching staff:

photo 1

photo 2

Photos in full color! Consider yourselves lucky, readers. All three of you are experiencing technology in its most luxurious form.

Some rules about this project, supplemented by other objects of trivium poorly described as rules:

  • A roster made only of Mikes is a roster that could be reasonably described as “lacking depth.” Because of this, I’ve turned injuries off.
  • Any minor leaguers who aren’t dealt for additional Mikes and/or Michaels will be released. I’m (potentially, virtually) sorry, (potentially, virtually) Danny Salazar.
  • All future draft picks will be Mikes and/or Michaels. If there are none available I will draft a lesser being of lesser name, then immediately cut him.
  • All future free agent additions will be Mikes and/or Michaels. The only exception to this rule is Coco Crisp. If the Cleveland Mikes have a chance to sign Coco Crisp, they will pursue whatever is necessary to officially become the Cleveland Mikes and Coco.

A reader might ask, “Why are you telling us this? Will there be updates?”

I might respond, “Maybe.”

Once iOOTP ’14 is released, I’ll try to keep up with the Mikes, but the master and creator of a universe makes no guarantees. GO MIKES!

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About Joshua Allen-Worrell

Joshua Allen-Worrell is a very part-time writer. He did not graduate from the University of Virginia with a degree in economics in 1989. He did, however, poop in a diaper that year. Josh is a fan of the Atlanta Braves and the name Zoilo Almonte. He often makes tweets as @oldseacaptain.
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