Posted below is an entirely fictional conversation between an equally fictional interviewer and Atlanta Braves relief pitcher Jordan Walden. The questions asked are not real, and because there are no real questions, there can be no real answers. Such is life, reader. Such is life. Because of this small problem created by non-realness, answers which would be provided by Jordan Walden, real relief pitcher for the real Atlanta Braves, have been replaced by quotes from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden, or Life in the Woods.
Fictional Interviewer: How was the offseason? Did you do any traveling over the break?
Fictional Jordan Walden/Walden: I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.
How is your relationship with the rest of the Atlanta bullpen?
I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.
Describe your approach toward identifying and correcting flaws in your delivery.
There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root.
The Braves won their division and made it to the playoffs last year. How did that feel?
It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched.
After losing in the 2013 NLDS, how did you keep things in perspective?
Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.
How many chairs did you have in your house?
I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.