Corey Kluber, pitching ace of the entire world but more specifically the Cleveland Indians, will throw against (read: surely resign to embarrassed fits of infantile poutiness, with a swiftness reasonably described as posthaste) the Red Sox tonight. In preparation of our impending enlightenment, please review the below posted checklist.
Note, also, an unlisted item which is: Remember to check, feverishly, your electronic mail inbox in search of an e-vite from Mr. Carson Cistulli to tonight’s meeting of the Corey Kluber Society. It will most likely be the one created using AOL 6.0.2 (Steppenwolf) and which features gratuitous use of Funkhouse font. Keep in mind this is different from an evite from Cistulli (same), which would imply he is willfully avoiding you and would, thus, not have likely invited you to tonight’s Society gathering.
Now, the checklist:
- Have your assistant hold all calls until further notice.
- Have the same assistant, or another, cancel all of today’s future appointments, for tonight Corey Kluber is pitching.
- Stop at your preferred libations merchant and ask for the Kluber special.
- Incite a friendly scrimmage between your own knuckles and the knuckles of another gentleman, so that you may know how it feels to truly live on a day such as this.
- Put on ignorant disregard of the inevitable mentions of Brohio, which in the real nitty gritty of things is maybe funny in a sort of ironic sense.
- Put on ignorant disregard of Chief Wahoo, about whom there is nothing funny or ironic, even in the real nitty gritty of things.
- Put on, also, your best formal vest or cummerbund. Do not, under any circumstances, forget an appropriately matched bow tie.
- Explain to anyone who will listen (read: a fiancé, perhaps) that if all the world’s a stage, the only decent lighting, currently, is on whichever mound happens to be occupied by Corey Kluber; that his month of May was, like, impressively historic; that you’re sorry you’ve talked so much about boring stuff that now they have a headache, but, presently, the best cure for a headache or any other malady is to watch Corey Kluber.