DARVISH COULD OF BEEN LESS OF A PUSSY ABOUT ELBOWGATE

Crying Darvish

The following is an estimate, made by the present author, of the piece ESPN Dallas wishes they’d ran on Yu Darvish. This dumb effort did not *actually* appear at ESPNDallas.com, as made evident by its superior quality. Note this and this, rather, which are amazingly real things published by the real ESPN.

DARVISH COULD OF BEEN LESS OF A PUSSY ABOUT ELBOWGATE

By Walvin Catkins

Yu DArvish is a porfessional baseball thrower for Texas rangers. Also You Darvish is a little pussy bitch who couldn’t not make it even through training camp for the the Dallos Cowboys.

Darvish says his elbow imflamation is “mild,” but by the way he handled his elbow saga I’m suprised he could even say the word “mild” through all the little baby tears he was prolly crying. Everyone on Texas hates Yu Darvish now cuz he doesn’t play through pain and discomfort like a real man Larry Allen would have never gone on the DL for some pussy-ass inflamed elbow.

(note 2 self: look up meaning of DL)

Seriously how could you just retire in the middle of the season if u even had a little bit of respect for you’re teammates and or the game of base ball?! You might say the season is pretty much over but I would say

  1. It isn’t over. There are actually like 30 or so games left.
  2. The Rangers are almost 30 games under 500 but just think if they are already so bad how much worse could they be if they didn’t even put anyone on the PUP list and all the bad injuryied players played through their injuries?

Like if I was Adrian Beltray walking around all hobbled-like with ice bags on my head I would take off my ice bags and fight Yu Darvish. Or Derrick Holland who has pitched all season long or at least not gone to the DL even though his hip is broken. Some ppl claim that Texas has made a large investment in Yu and he’s a super valuable commodity on account of being underpaid, but hey mr. whiz guy, tell me how is the investment large if he’s underpaid? No 1 is bigger than his team and especially darvish who doesn’t even have to play every day (note to self: wtf he doesn’t play every day is he like the punter of MLB? research this) but can’t throw baseballs without growing a girls vaj on his elbow.

You know who knows a lot about being a tough sports man? Troy Aikman but he can’t talk without slurring now cuz con-cussions. But someone else who does is Ron Washington and he agrees with me that Yu Darvish is a little bitch who should grow a pair of man’s balls or go back to Japan where he came from. In Japan they might worry about stupid things like elbow health and pitch count but in AMERICA we play to win and thats all that matters.

Yu Darvish could of showed his team mates that he cares about them and about winning and baseball, but instead he showed them he only cares about keeping his little baby elbow all perfect. He’s not a man like Shin shoo Choo who bathes in icy hot every morning to walk on his ankles.

(note 2 self again: choo is out for all year on dl so now he’s pussy too)

Yu Darvish more like Boo darvish!

Sincerely,

Walvin

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About Joshua Allen-Worrell

Joshua Allen-Worrell is a very part-time writer. He did not graduate from the University of Virginia with a degree in economics in 1989. He did, however, poop in a diaper that year. Josh is a fan of the Atlanta Braves and the name Zoilo Almonte. He often makes tweets as @oldseacaptain.
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