A Consideration of Candidates for the Position of Atlanta Braves General Manager

Wren

Frank Wren is no longer the general manager of the Atlanta Braves. It’s a bit odd, as general managers tend to have pretty great job security, and Wren’s tenure saw the club make the playoffs three times and sign most of its young, talented core to potentially cut-rate deals well beyond their prime free agency years. He also signed Dan Uggla and B.J. Upton, though, so maybe it isn’t odd.

With Wren’s departure, the team needs a new general manager. The most likely scenario favors current interim GM John Hart. Another option, and one I fully endorse, is John Coppolella. Dayton Moore, currently the general manager of the Kansas City Royals and Grand Harbinger of My Downward Spiral Into Alcoholism, is a deformed buzzard who lives in my brain and circles idly around each and every thought about the current job opening.

Fun.

Hart and Coppolella are good candidates. Dayton Moore is a bad one. The five listed below are neither good, nor bad, nor realistic, but I wrote about them anyhow.

John Schuerholz

  1. Hire Schuerholz
  2. Sell the team to Ted Turner
  3. Have Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, and David Justice
  4. Draft Chipper Jones
  5. Acquire Greg Maddux from the Cubs, and Fred McGriff from the Padres
  6. Acquire Marquis Grissom from the Montreal Expos
  7. Win the 1995 World Series

Outkast

My imagination contains zero situations in which the Atlanta Braves would not benefit from the acquisition of space futuristic type things.

This digitally illustrated desk placard

THE General Manager

This digitally illustrated desk placard (which the author has titled “THE General Manager.jpg”, and stored neatly in a desktop folder full of ignorant shit), is not just any general manager. Rather, said placard is *the* general manager.

Jeb Lund

Congratulations to @Mobute on his new job as general manager of the Atlanta Braves.

Kevin Towers

Because why the shit not? ‘Sports’ as the practice of ridiculously well salaried idiots enthusiastically competing against one another within the boundaries of absurd man-made rules is capital-L Lame. The best ‘sports’ is the one which creeps its stupid unnecessary hand into your very real, very necessary human soul and twists it into a confused mess of existential and moral questioning. Is it worth rooting for your favorite team even if your favorite team stands for everything you hate? There you go, sports. Keep asking the tough ones.

I don’t like Kevin Towers. I think he’s an insufferable dick. Kevin Towers as the general manager of my favorite sports team is the stuff dreams are made of.

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About Joshua Allen-Worrell

Joshua Allen-Worrell is a very part-time writer. He did not graduate from the University of Virginia with a degree in economics in 1989. He did, however, poop in a diaper that year. Josh is a fan of the Atlanta Braves and the name Zoilo Almonte. He often makes tweets as @oldseacaptain.
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