Rejoice Society! For Corey Kluber Has Performed Miracles!

Corey Kluber

It was the first strikeout which cured Verna-Jo Moonwraith – the one from Appomattox, VA – of the furious case of gout that has plagued her left foot since The Incident back in the summer of  ’84.

It was the second strikeout which restored electricity to over 900 homes in Richland County.

It was the third strikeout which turned Darby Naismith from lame to able so that, in just an instant, he was up and performing a respectable Charleston.

It was the fourth strikeout which swallowed the whole of my personal student loan debt, then ejected it back into the world at large as a forgotten curiosity.

It was the fifth strikeout which kicked some very real shit (i.e. human fecal matter) out of Geraldo Rivera.

It was the sixth strikeout which made some, like, for-real headway toward combining pizza and nachos in a way that actually works.

It was the seventh strikeout which handed Leon Poughkeepsie an abundance of luck so great that he hit it big on twelve straight cards at the local bingo hall.

It was the eighth strikeout which convinced Donald J. Trump – starting now and lasting through the rest of his days – that he is definitely (i.e. 100%) a character in the greaser clique from the musical film Grease.

It was the ninth strikeout which cured Yu Darvish.

It was the tenth strikeout which made illegal, and punishable by death, the words “Marvel Cinematic Universe.”

It was the eleventh strikeout which awarded Pulp Fiction the 1995 Academy Award for Best Picture.

It was the twelfth strikeout which made all cheeses totally noncaloric.

It was the thirteenth strikeout which resulted in the immediate cancellation of The Big Bang Theory.

It was the fourteenth strikeout which required the revolution to be televised.

It was the fifteenth strikeout which turned all the world’s guns into anatomically correct balloon animals.

It was the sixteenth strikeout which ended the wars.

It was the seventeenth strikeout which dissolved the patriarchy.

It was the eighteenth strikeout which allowed the world to order a pizza by tweeting a pizza emoji at Domino’s.

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