Do not allow yourself to simply look at this wonderful photo taken by USA Today Sports’ Frank Victores. Rather, oblige yourself to marvel at it. If you can, take out your ol’ eyeballs and set them down in the direct viewing area of this photo, then blindly hail a cab to the nearest fancy store and buy Frank Victores an expensive gift.
Study this photo of energy that is neither potential, nor kinetic, but rather just there. Crawl up the bat and over the forearm onto the top elbow which is strangely and beautifully on the exact same vertical plane as the bottom elbow, position your puppeteering little index finger on Snoop’s soul patch and tug down to the tune of “DEEZ NUTS!”
Let this photo – this frozen capsule of that moment just before the bizzle hits the bizzle and the crizzle goes wizzle – let it choose what’s for dinner. Let it inform your decisions re: fashion, career choice, love pursuits, burial vs. cremation, etc. Notice that the ball isn’t yet in frame, but also know that, as soon as it collides with Snoop’s weapon, it (the ball) will then specialize in making all the girls get naked.
May the above image inspire your greatest poetry. May you fill all 200 sheets of your Mead® Five Star® 5-Subject College-Rule Notebook with odes to the deliberate and complex matching of wristband and glove and jersey below a hat that is pretty much in a different universe, color-wise. May you ponder, in verse, that between the bridge of his nose and the bill of his hat, the photo’s subject could very well pass for 1979’s Eric Estrada.
Document the historic transition from baseball’s Steroid Era to it’s G-Funk Era.
Save it to your computer’s hard drive, submit it to your local Walgreens to be printed on their largest canvas, then hang the finished product on the wall opposite your bed to fuel your nightmares about whatever Snoop’s legs might be doing while his top half is positioned like that.