Banknotes Harper Will Not Manage Your Baseball Team


Talk fast, pork chop. Banknotes Harper doesn’t have all day.

If you’re seriously interested in hiring Banknotes Harper, you’ll need to speak up. Banknotes Harper can’t hear you over all the sex he’s having.

Banknotes Harper is calling you a canker blossom, and you’re overcome by the conviction that you are, indeed, one (a canker blossom).

You can stop yelling, now. Banknotes Harper is finished, and the entire female population of Morocco has covered its bosom with Banknotes Industries® monogrammed bedsheets.

Banknotes Harper knows damn well he could win the pennant next year, with or without whatever good thing you think you have going.

The entire female population of Morocco lights up 16,000,000 cigarettes.

You’re talking, but Banknotes Harper isn’t listening.

Banknotes Harper is staring hard at a vinyl copy of Belle & Sebastian’s If You’re Feeling Sinister.

Listen here, you maladroit oaf. Why don’t you take a second, breathe a bit, and think real hard about whether Banknotes Harper cares two spits about clubhouse amenities?

Banknotes Harper is on the other line, closing a trivial deal to purchase “something shitty.”

Every known vinyl copy of Belle & Sebastian’s If You’re Feeling Sinister is set suddenly ablaze.

Banknotes Harper is back in your ear, and now he’s interviewing you.

Who is your favorite poet?

Wrong. The correct answer is none of them.

A fancy memo is placed on your desk.

Your head is nodding along as you transcribe that when Banknotes Harper unfurls himself onto the shuffleboard table at Arnie’s Corner Bar & Grill, the table becomes obsolete.

Banknotes Harper believes you are a mountebank, and your roster is feckless snake oil.

Banknotes Harper is hanging up now.

The memo reads that the team has been sold to Something Shitty, LLC, a subsidiary of Banknotes Industries, Inc.

Banknotes Harper is your author and finisher, and he expects a comprehensive budget report by Tuesday next.

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