Author Archives: Joshua

Banknotes Harper Will Not Manage Your Baseball Team

Talk fast, pork chop. Banknotes Harper doesn’t have all day. If you’re seriously interested in hiring Banknotes Harper, you’ll need to speak up. Banknotes Harper can’t hear you over all the sex he’s having. Banknotes Harper is calling you a canker … Continue reading

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Being a Braves Fan, The Process™, and Fun in Sports

Let’s talk about why sports exist. As most of you know, sports were born from the Altoona Conference of 1849, mere weeks after the Mighty Men of Earth, history’s most reverential band of brothers, united from 62 countries to fend off … Continue reading

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Mighty Snoop Dogg at the Bat: A Viewer’s Instruction Manual

Do not allow yourself to simply look at this wonderful photo taken by USA Today Sports’ Frank Victores. Rather, oblige yourself to marvel at it. If you can, take out your ol’ eyeballs and set them down in the direct viewing … Continue reading

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Lucas Sims and Lucas Simms: Alike, but Different

About the two men pictured above, certain truths are absolute: They are, physically, precisely identical. They share the morally superior middle-name “Sundberg.” They were both living in Cheektowaga, New York when the storm of 1977 hit, and both lived through the … Continue reading

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Most Valuable Zobrist’s 2015 MLB Draft Prospect Guide: The Later Rounds

The 2015 First-Year Player Draft begins Monday. With excellent coverage like Kiley McDaniel’s latest mock draft at FanGraphs and Michael Baumann’s Grantland primer on top prospects, the internet has made the greatness of players like Alex Bregman and Carson Fulmer readily available. … Continue reading

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Player A vs. Player B: Bryce Harper/Carlos Corporan Edition

Let’s play a game, fellows. Provided the stat lines below, it is the participant’s job to determine which anonymous documentation of performance belongs to Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper, and which belongs to Rangers employee Carlos Corporan. Player A: .333/.472/.732, 15 HR, … Continue reading

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Say Hello, Won’t Ya? Most Valuable Zobrist Has a New Writer

As the classic saying goes, “Two people offering infrequent updates to a so-called baseball blog are better than one.” As such, Most Valuable Zobrist welcomes Nicolas Labbe to its writing, uh, staff. Nicolas has agreed to contribute to MVZ under … Continue reading

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Rejoice Society! For Corey Kluber Has Performed Miracles!

It was the first strikeout which cured Verna-Jo Moonwraith – the one from Appomattox, VA – of the furious case of gout that has plagued her left foot since The Incident back in the summer of  ’84. It was the second … Continue reading

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The So Late It’s Early Show with Carson and Dayn

Title: The So Late It’s Early Show with Carson and Dayn Format: Late night and/or early morning talk show Hosts: Carson Cistulli and Dayn Perry Airs: 5/9/15, 2AM EST, Allendale Correctional Institution CCTV DAYN: Ladies and gentleman, your host: Average-Tits … Continue reading

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Notes on the Kimbrel Trade (Happy Opening Day, I Guess)

Isn’t Opening Day great? Doesn’t each aural occurrence of ball meeting bat in that first game make you increasingly warm from head to toe? Is there anything better than ogling perfectly dressed high socks in a game that actually means something? Opening … Continue reading

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