Title: The So Late It’s Early Show with Carson and Dayn
Format: Late night and/or early morning talk show
Hosts: Carson Cistulli and Dayn Perry
Airs: 5/9/15, 2AM EST, Allendale Correctional Institution CCTV
DAYN: Ladies and gentleman, your host: Average-Tits Turdmouth!
CARSON: Thank you, thank you. None of you are my wife, so your applause does very little to remedy life’s malaise. I’m your host, Carson Cistulli. We have a great sho…
DAYN: Where the **** did you buy those pants?
CARSON: Uh, so we have a great show. Or at least, it’s a show. Charlie Blackmon of the Colorado Rockies is here.
CARSON: And what a week it’s been in the news, huh? Alex Rodriguez just surpassed Willie Mays with his 661st home run. How about that, Dayn?
DAYN: Good for Alex. Maybe time will eventually heal the wound of controversy and we’ll remember A-Rod mostly as the great player he was.
CARSON: As time so often does, I suppose. With each new day, the days before it turn increasingly halcyon. History becomes a highlight reel as all the past’s disappointments, failures, the infinite reasons for self-loathing, and loathing of everything other than the self become gone.
CARSON: So let’s bring out our guest. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Colorado Rockies outfielder Charlie Blackmon!
(As Charlie Blackmon approaches the dais, Cistulli faints.)
CHARLIE: Is he gonna be okay?
DAYN: Eh, probably. So listen, Hot Cakes. Where’s the best place to buy cocaine on the Georgia Tech campus?
CHARLIE: [stares blankly]
DAYN: I think you’ve earned yourself plenty of respect in Colorado over the past year or so. You think you carry enough ******* weight around there to tell those ******** in the front office to bury those purple ******* jerseys?
CHARLIE: Uh, well, the fans seem to like…
(Carson groans, rolls over on his back, and adjusts his glasses.)
CHARLIE: Oh, hey buddy.
CARSON: What happened?
DAYN: I think you saw Charlie and your boner grew so fast it took all the blood out of your head.
(Carson stands and doesn’t dispute Dayn’s claim. He takes his seat in the host’s chair.)
CARSON: So Charlie, could you ever learn to love someone whose middle name is Harrington?
DAYN: This show blows. Hey audience, close your eyes and imagine Karl Rove having sex.
(Charlie locks eyes with Carson, and for a few short seconds they are conjoined by each other’s gaze.)
CARSON: Someday you’re going to die of cancer or heart disease, and in 200 years the word “crunk” will hold no meaning.
CHARLIE: Alright, boys. I’ve got to go, um, grocery shopping.
CARSON: But you’re only in town for two days?
CHARLIE: What? I can’t hear you. Maybe I’m getting an ear infection. Better go to the doctor right away!
DAYN: Perhaps it’s catarrh!
(Retired Col. Lettuce Stephenson, director of programming for Allendale Correctional Institution CCTV, enters the studio and turns out the lights.)